FBJ case file 2026-0001
Subject: John
Status: At large (Australia)
Case file: Suspect John
Registrant of JOHN.GL. Considered harmless. Will offer you food.
- Name
- JOHN. Verified twice by a tita.
- Heritage
- Filipino-Australian.
- Last seen
- Australia. The Bureau has narrowed it down to "somewhere with NBN" (results vary).
- Known associates
- Several titas. One rice cooker.
- Answers to
- "John", "Johnny", and "Fudgey"
- Offence
- Registering a Greenlandic domain because it was the only John left.
- Threat level
- Low. Will ask if you've eaten.
Intelligence gathered
The following has been redacted for reasons of national security. Select a bar to declassify it. The Bureau's lawyers advise against this, but the Bureau's lawyers are also John.
- Bureau budget One domain renewal fee, paid annually, with mild wincing.
- Bureau HQ A laptop. Sometimes on the couch.
- Agents in the field 1 (one). He is also the suspect.
- Operation Tsinelas A tsinelas was raised. It was not thrown. Everyone calmed down.
- Greenland's response None yet. Presumably busy being enormous and beautiful.
Filed by Agent J., who is also the suspect. The conflict of interest has been noted and ignored.