Frequently asked questions
Questions the Bureau has been asked, or expects to be asked, or asked itself in the shower.
I'm a John in Greenland. What now?
First, the Bureau is sorry. Second, run your name through the citizenship check. If you're a Hans, Jens or Johan, you are a John under the Convention, with full diplomatic standing.
You're also entitled to everything in Article V of the Treaty, including the Tim Tams. The Bureau does not accept correspondence, so please consider this paragraph your formal apology.
Is this legal?
No. Also yes. Mostly no.
OK, actually yes: John registered this domain the normal way and pays for it every year. The seizure is a bit. Nobody seized anything. Greenland is fine.
Is the Federal Bureau of Johns a real agency?
No. It is one person and some crests he drew. It has no powers, no badge, and no affiliation with any government, police force or law-enforcement agency anywhere.
Why .gl?
Every other John domain was already taken, or cost more than a thousand dollars a year. JOHN.GL was available, affordable, and frankly looked lonely. The Bureau acted.
What about Jahns?
Jahn is a German short form of Johannes, which makes every Jahn, legally and annoyingly, a John. They have been informed. They did not reply.
Is this a statement about Greenland?
Absolutely not. Greenland belongs to the people of Greenland. The Bureau's territorial ambitions begin and end at four letters, and it would like to keep it that way.
Is Jack really a John?
Yes. Jack started out in medieval England as a nickname for John. So did Jenkin, briefly. The Bureau did not make this up. The Bureau makes up plenty of other things, but not this.
Can I buy the domain?
You can lodge an offer using Form J-7. It will be denied.
Press releases
Bureau completes Operation Tsinelas; zero casualties, one mildly confused Greenland
NUUK / MANILA / CANBERRA — The Federal Bureau of Johns today confirmed the successful seizure of JOHN.GL. "It went very smoothly," said the Director. "We clicked 'register' and then we clicked 'pay'." The Greenland Ice Sheet was approached for comment and remained, as ever, an ice sheet.
Bureau denies ten-thousandth appeal; appeals officer "still at sausage sizzle"
OFFICE OF APPEALS — The Bureau has passed a record ten thousand denied appeals. Asked how the appeals process works, a spokesperson said: "Someone lodges an appeal, and then we deny it." Asked who was in charge of appeals, the spokesperson pointed at a sausage sizzle in the distance.
Intelligence network confirms suspect "has eaten"
TITA INTELLIGENCE NETWORK — In a rare public statement, the Tita Intelligence Network confirmed that the Director of the Bureau "has eaten," but added that he "could eat more" and "looks thin." The Network declined to name its sources, though it said they were "very reliable" and "at the party."
Bureau stands by "Jack is a John" finding
OFFICE OF ETYMOLOGY — Responding to claims that it had made up the finding that Jack is a John, the Bureau said it had not, and that people should look it up. Asked whether it had made up anything else, the Bureau said "most things" and ended the press conference.